Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to: 1. create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving. 2. create governmental and corporate structures that support compassionate giving and receiving.

NVC involves both communication skills that foster compassionate relating and consciousness of the interdependence of our well being and using power with others to work together to meet the needs of all concerned.

This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is NOT about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.

The process of NVC encourages us to focus on what we and others are observing separate from our interpretations and judgments, to connect our thoughts and feelings to underlying human needs/values (e.g. protection, support, love), and to be clear about what we would like towards meeting those needs. These skills give the ability to translate from a language of criticism, blame, and demand into a language of human needs -- a language of life that consciously connects us to the universal qualities “alive in us” that sustain and enrich our well being, and focuses our attention on what actions we could take to manifest these qualities.

Nonviolent Communication skills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to communication such as demands, diagnoses and blaming. In CNVC trainings you will learn to express yourself honestly without attacking. This will help minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem. These skills are useful with family, friends, students, subordinates, supervisors, co-workers and clients, as well as with your own internal dialogues.

Nonviolent Communication Skills

NVC offers practical, concrete skills for manifesting the purpose of creating connections of compassionate giving and receiving based in a consciousness of interdependence and power with others. These skills include: 1) Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us; 2) Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment; 3) Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and 4) Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving). These skills emphasize personal responsibility for our actions and the choices we make when we respond to others, as well as how to contribute to relationships based in cooperation and collaboration.

With NVC we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what “is alive in us”. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, needed, and wanted, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.

Founded on consciousness, language, communication skills, and use of power that enable us to remain human, even under trying conditions, Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new: all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.

The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.

NVC is a clear and effective model for communicating in a way that is cooperative, conscious, and compassionate.

—http://www.cnvc.org/en/what-nvc/nonviolent-communication

A Student's Explanation

During the discussion we were introduced to the GIRAFFE language and the JACKAL language. The Giraffe language is nonviolent, compassionate language. Giraffe language is communication from a caring heart. The Giraffe is used as a symbol because the giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal – 26 pounds. The Jackal language is life-alienating communication. The Jackal is demanding and diagnosing and that blocks compassion. The Jackal tells others what's wrong with them. The communication is prejudicial/judgmental/ analytical, labeling. Jackal language is a “tragic” expression of our own needs.

One can speak from a Giraffe heart as well as hear with Giraffe ears. Likewise, one can speak from a Jackal perspective as well as hear a Jackal comment.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know – about how we humans were meant to relate to one another – and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.

NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behavior and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in a given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.

There are four components of NVC:

•  observation
•  feeling
•  needs
•  request

The NVC process:

The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being
How we feel in relation to what we are observing
The needs, values, desires, etc., that are creating our feelings, and
The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives expressed in positive action language.

There are two parts to NVC:

•  expressing honesty through the four components
•  receiving empathically through the four components.

NVC is a very helpful tool in building relationships and expressing oneself honestly and trying to communicate heart to heart. Although Dr. Rosenberg claims that NVC is a simple process, he admits that it takes conscious practice. We have been encouraged to join a support group to continue the practice of incorporating the principles of NVC in our conversational encounters.

There are many other aspects of NVC that can be gleaned from the book; for example, expressing appreciation in nonviolent communication.

NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation:

•  the actions that have contributed to our well-being;
•  the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled; and
•  the feelings of pleasure engendered by the fulfillment of those needs.

Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that you met.”

We hunger for appreciation – Dr. Rosenberg goes on to say that one is to receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.

The course was well worth the evenings spent with others who were also eager to learn, understand and practice the process of NVC. It was amusing when we reported back in class each week about the times that we recognized ourselves as the Giraffe or as the Jackal.

—NVC, a Language of Life by Karen Hartman

International Impact

"Worldwide, NVC now serves as a valuable resource for communities facing violent conflicts and severe ethnic, religious, or political tensions. The spread of NVC training and its use in mediation by people in conflict in Israel, the Palestinian Authority, Nigeria, Rwanda, Sierra Leone, and elsewhere have been a source of particular gratification for me. My associates and I were recently in Belgrade over three highly charged days training citizens working for peace. When we first arrived, expressions of despair were visibly etched on the trainees’ faces, for their country was enmeshed in a brutal war in Bosnia and Croatia. As the training progressed, we heard the ring of laughter in their voices as they shared their profound gratitude and joy for having found the empowerment they were seeking. Over the next two weeks, during trainings in Croatia, Israel, and Palestine, we again saw desperate citizens in war-torn countries regaining their spirits and confidence from the NVC training they received."

—NVC Chapter 1